Skincheese Advisory · calculating…
01 · Capabilities

Engineered for absolute certainty.

001Neural Geometry Engine

Proprietary convolutional architecture trained on 400M+ verified samples. Identifies phallic topology across 12 geometric classification layers.

12 LAYERS · CYLINDRICAL TOPOLOGY
002Contextual Disambiguation

Machine-learned context separation eliminates false positives from architecture, food, nature and industrial photography with 99.2% precision.

PRECISION 0.992 · PAREIDOLIA INDEX™
003Zero-Retention Processing

All image data is processed in volatile memory and purged within 50 ms of classification. No image is ever written to disk. Ever.

PURGE ≤ 50 MS · 0 BYTES AT REST
004Sub-200 ms Inference

Distributed across 14 global edge nodes, or the phone in your hand. Classification lands before your page finishes loading.

EDGE · WASM · — MS THIS DEVICE
005Adversarial Hardening

Resistant to obfuscation, steganography and adversarial perturbation attacks. Regularly red-teamed by external security researchers.

GAN DETECTION · STEGO SCAN · BYPASS PREVENTION
006Compliance Automation

Auto-generates audit trails, hash reports and regulatory filings. Built for COPPA, DSA, the UK Online Safety Act and KOSA.

AUDIT · HASH · FILE · REPEAT
02 · System architecture

Under the hood.

The Skincheese Detection Pipeline, from image ingestion to verdict delivery. Nodes marked LIVE are running in this tab right now.

03 · Model family

Every strength. One standard.

Skincheese models are aged, not trained. Pick the ripeness your threat surface requires.

  1. Brie 2 NanoMild. Spreads easily.
    PhallicBench41.2
    Strength
    Intelligence
    On-deviceRetired
  2. Camembert 3 FlashSoft-ripened, low latency.
    PhallicBench58.9
    Strength
    Intelligence
    EdgeAvailable
  3. Cheddar 4 Extra-SharpAged 18 months. Enterprise default.
    PhallicBench71.4
    Strength
    Intelligence
    CloudAvailable
  4. Gouda 4.3 Turbo-mini-highSmaller, faster, somehow larger.
    PhallicBench83.0
    Strength
    Intelligence
    Cloud · EdgeLegacy
  5. Limburger 5.7o Ultra Flash Thinking-Rindpreview-1019-exp
    PhallicBench96.7
    Strength
    Intelligence
    On-device · Air-gappedCurrent · this page
  6. Casu Marzu 6Alive. Do not open.
    PhallicBench██.█
    Strength
    Intelligence
    ClassifiedIn containment
Coming · Casu Marzu 6

Early evaluations exceed every model, cheese and government on record. Release pending review by 27 jurisdictions, none of which have approved it. Not available in the EU.

04 · Deployment scenarios

Where Skincheese is deployed.

USE CASE 01Social media platforms

Real-time moderation of uploads across feeds, stories, DMs and profile images. Integrated pre-publish, so phallic content never reaches the timeline.

14K+
Platforms
1.2B
Daily scans
38 ms
Avg latency
USE CASE 02Government & defense

Air-gapped deployment for military intelligence, embassy communications and classified media screening. On-premise, with dedicated hardware security modules and no external network access.

28
Governments
TS
Clearance
100%
Air-gapped
USE CASE 03Education & youth safety

Protecting K-12 and university platforms in student submissions, messaging and collaborative workspaces. COPPA and KOSA compliant out of the box.

12M
Students
COPPA
Compliant
99.9%
Catch rate
USE CASE 04Enterprise communications

Attachments and inline images across Slack, Teams, email and internal wikis, screened before they reach the recipient.

4,200
Companies
HR
Integrated
Zero
False reports
USE CASE 05Gaming & virtual worlds

Custom avatars, user textures, in-game photography and live gameplay, with real-time enforcement in multiplayer environments.

800+
Studios
3D
Mesh scanning
48 ms
Real-time
USE CASE 06HOA & neighborhood

Entrance cameras, doorbells and license-plate readers, unified for the board. Every vehicle in and out of the community, searchable by plate, make, color and time.

2,900
Associations
37%
Disputes resolved
11 s
Median alert